Elements of Love: RewriteH

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Elements of Love: RewriteH

Postby flutterdash1 » Mon Jun 23, 2014 8:50 pm

Hey all!

I'm starting to re-write the Element's of Love (my first and foremost fic) And as I complete sections I'm gonna put them in here. I'd like some critique of it. Opinions, questions, places that need work, grammar, all of it.


Today was going to be the day.

Rainbow Dash had never really considered herself shy. Nopony who knew her would ever have attached that attribute to her. She was not 'outgoing', per-se, but she certainly was not shy. Rainbow Dash just did what she felt like. For the most part, at least. Obviously, she was not going to call her teachers 'featherbrains' to their faces, no matter how featherbrained they were being, because that would get her in trouble. But as far as actions that did not get her in trouble, she tended to be comfortable doing whatever.

She had never asked a pony out on a date though.

Dash was only tangentially aware of 'dating' because her older brother had started doing it last year. She knew it involved one pony taking another pony some place nice as a way to express your affection for them. Most dates, according to her brother, ended in a kiss, and this was Rainbow Dash's primary drive. She had seen kisses, of course. Her parents kissed all the time and kissing was abundant on Hearts and Hooves Day in older ponies. Recently, Dash had taken to looking at a certain filly in a way she hadn't ever really looked at another pony. The desire to kiss her had surfaced a few weeks ago and now, after cryptically asking her brother how the mechanics of asking somepony out on a date worked, Dash was going to do it.

Still, she felt nervous. Very nervous. As she walked down the hall to Derpy’s locker she felt sweat starting to drip down her neck. Stay calm. she told herself. Step by step she drew nearer. Every step she took made the butterflies in her stomach stir and her mouth get a little drier.

When she was right next to Derpy Hooves she had to swallow and tilt her head back to build up some saliva and re-moisten her lips. Fortunately, Derpy’s head was in her locker at the time, so Dash’s odd display was unnoticed. When the blonde mare closed her locker door, however, Dash was leaning against the one beside hers, giving Derpy her coolest grin.

“Hey Derpy,” she said.

“Hey Dash, how’s it going?” Derpy asked, spinning the lock dial on her locker so that the last number would not be known to the pony who had been going around and stealing from lockers the last few weeks.

“Great,” Dash answered, “Say, you doing anything tonight?”

“Tonight?” Derpy asked, “Just Miss Clover’s book report.”

“That isn’t due until Monday,” Dash said, “How about we catch a movie tonight.”

“Yeah, that sounds fun.” Derpy said with a smile, “What movie are you thinking?”

“Idunno,” Dash said, shrugging and turning her head to show how little she cared about the actual movie, “I figured we’ll figure it out when we get there.”

“Okay, cool,” Derpy said, nodding thoughtfully, “So who alls going?”

“Just you and me.” Dash replied, trying her best not to let her nerves show on her face. This was going to be the moment. Would it make or break her?

“Oh…” Derpy answered, her eyes widening a bit and her smile sliding into a slight frown. “Well, uh, I think I really should get the book report done. I haven’t started or anything yet.”

“Oh,” Dash said, “Yeah, uh…” She was glad she was able to keep from frowning, but she did feel her jaw sort of feel like it was locking up a bit.

“Some other time?” Derpy said, lifting her voice a little to make it sound like a question.

“Yeah, some other time.” Dash said, walking away when Derpy turned to head to her next class.

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Element's of Love: Rewrite
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Re: Elements of Love: RewriteH

Postby The Masked Ghost » Tue Jun 24, 2014 12:07 am

Sure, I'll give it a read and give you my opinion on it sometime later though, for it is like 12o' clock at night for me or something like that.
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